Are we Ready For Hello?? May 4, 2011

by Dr. G

Are We Ready for the Hello?

YES! Many of us are! Savannah wrote about never getting just a plain “hello” or “how are you” from men. She stated that she normally gets greetings like “Can I get an application” and “Can I follow you home”. I have actually gotten “Pssst, psst Ms. Red” “Hey, age aint nothing but a number” and “Where you man at”. I just have to laugh at this.

 I participated on a singles panel and a gentleman in the audience stood up and asked a question. He said that there have been times when he just says “Hi” or “Hello” to women and they look at him crazy and at times may be rude. He wanted to know why this was the reaction. You may be thinking “OK, well what does he look like?” He was a very clean cut gentleman. But why does this matter if someone is just saying hello? He then went on to say that he is not looking to necessarily get a phone number or anything; he is just trying to be polite. One of the panelists said that some women are used to getting the opposite or have been hurt and are projecting that onto him. I made sure to thank him on behalf of women for saying hello and encouraged the women not to make men pay for mistakes other men have made.

A few months ago, a male friend told me that he was leaving church and he and a woman were walking towards one another. He told me, “All I was going to do was say hello, but as soon as she saw me, she looked down and did everything in her power not to make eye contact” That really confused him. He was like-“we just left church and I was trying to be nice”

Is this because most men who approach us aren’t respectful or are after something? Ladies, why must we assume that he is trying to holla at us? OR can you blame men for wanting to get to know or holla you? Think of it this way, there is something about you they like and they let it be known, not always in the most polite way though, which is unacceptable. We can be polite and say hello and as adults if we don’t like how they approached us, we can always tell them. Here’s the thing- they have probably been approaching women in the same way, and if they were never told that it’s inappropriate, how are they supposed to change? I am not excusing them because they should know better. But if they don’t, TELL THEM. Don’t get me wrong, I know there are some men who just creep us out, may follow-us, may invade our personal space, or just want to “tap it” and for these, we can ignore, tell them what they did wrong, or get security. I also know men who say they may not talk to women at times, because they always think she wants to get married tomorrow. Now some of us do begin to plan a marriage without knowing his last name

In all actuality, it does not really take that much to get our attention.  So a hello, can work!

So yes we are good and ready for hello and let’s say it back without assuming anything.

Satisfied or Content by Chinny July 12, 2010

Just a thought… I had been listening to a sermon on my way to meet a friend and it said something about being satisfied and content (nothing to do with being single). My mind wondered to Paul and how he talked about contentment not satisfaction. He said he was content in whatever situation he found himself (Phil 4:12), and he went through a lot… I began to wonder, is there a difference between being satisfied and content.

I decided to consult with my knowledgeable friend – the dictionary. Dictionary.com compares these two words: “TO SATISFY is to meet to the full of one’s wants, expectations, etc.: to satisfy a desire to travel. TO BE CONTENT is to give enough to keep one from being disposed to find fault or complain…” Are our full wants and expectations met or are we enjoying the “enough” God has given us without complaint and fault finding? Are we called to be satisfied or content in where God has us and with what He has given us?

I believe we are called to be content. We are to be grateful for what we have even though it may not be what we want or think we need. We are called to rejoice in it. We may still be praying for a change but that does not mean we should sulk, complain or be miserable in our present situation.

Now this does not just apply to being single: are you at a job/neighborhood/have a car/a situation you don’t really like but don’t see a way out at the moment? Why don’t you start by thanking God for what you do have and ask Him to show you a way out or change what’s going on around and in you so you can enjoy this season in your life…

Single, Black, and Female…by Trae June 10, 2010

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve had some pretty interesting conversations about relationships and the “plight of the single black female.”  Before I go any further, I’d like to dissect the word “plight.”  According to Merriam-Webster, plight is defined as “an unfortunate, difficult, or precarious situation.”  As I reflect on that definition, I cringe.  Why would mainstream media choose to cast the singleness I enjoy in such a negative light? 

There have been so many articles, blogs, commentaries, opinion columns, newscasts, and books that have delved into what is now considered the deep, dark hell of being a black female and single that I’m reeling from all the so-called advice.  In fact, ESSENCE.com has even put a timeline together of this media coverage to determine when all of this began.  As I look back on what what’s been written and said, I notice a trend.  With cacophony of voices of writers, bloggers, and “celebrity relationship experts” (don’t even get me started on them), one voice is glaringly missing – the single, black woman’s voice.  Most of the people chiming in on this “crisis” are either missing one or all of three major qualifications:  being single, black, or a female.

So what does all of this mean?  It means that we need to take back the conversation.  It means that as women who are single and have made a choice to remain pure, we need to eliminate the negative tone and allow our voices to sound high above the rest.  It’s time for the world to know that as Single Black Females (SBFs), our lives are not unfulfilled.  It’s time for the world to know that SBFs do want relationships, but not at the expense of hindering our quality of life (and I’m not talking about financially, I’m talking about emotionally, mentally, and spiritually).  It’s time for the world to know that SBFs are not all wanting to date the 5% of men who some would say aren’t in our league (ahem…Mr. Harvey and Mr. Harper).  It’s time for the world to know that SBFs who are waiting on the mate that God has chosen for us are content, happy, and productive women of society who don’t need to “think like a man” in order to get one.  Because until the world can see that our point view is directly taken from God’s point of view, they will continue to think that being Single, Black, and Female is a condition, and not the God-given position He intended for it to be.

Grace and Mercy…

THE OFFERING…by Nicole May 14, 2010

by contributing blogger Nicole
 
He says to her, “All I know is that the sex is good, and I want you to know that.”  Naturally and realistically, she was flattered and shocked all at the same time. As she listened deeper in her brief conversation, she wondered why would someone so special offer up something even more special so quickly and freely? So it made her further wonder, “What are we really worth to ourselves, to others?”
Do you ever wonder about that?
 
I am a celibate, Christian woman who knows what it feels like to battle saving myself for marriage and the thoughts of relinquishing that gift for someone with whom I think I could experience a monogamous relationship. I’ve found personally that waiting for marriage is better. Why? I believe because so much — too much for me — is at stake and should be fully considered before entering that type of fully committed relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not perfect and can’t ever profess to be (I’m striving everyday). As the beginning sentence says, I am celibate — not a virgin. I do believe, however, in today’s society, both men and women tend to mishandle our virtue. Our virtue goes far beyond our sexual pulchritude and/or prowess. It is that and SO much more.
 
By Webster’s dictionary definition, virtue is defined as “a conformity to a standard of right; a particular moral excellence; (plural) an order of angels; a beneficial quality or power of a thing; manly strength or courage; a commendable quality or trait; a capacity to act; and chastity, especially in a woman.”
So even in the most basic definition of the term, much respect and value is placed on virtue, but yet many young adults don’t regard it as important.

Lamentations 3:26 says “It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the LORD.” In other words, as The Message translation of the Bible puts it, “God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It’s a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. It’s a good thing when you’re young to stick it out through the hard times.”
There is something about waiting and maturing as a person and then as a couple before delving into sexual activity. Sex, as my mother the counselor for many years told me, sex is a byproduct of love. It’s an enhancement to something that is supposed to already be there through conversation, prayer, and shared experiences — good, bad, ugly and indifferent.

 
In 2 Corinthians 4:6-7, it says “For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us. Now I know nowadays, not everyone ascribes to being a Christian or even aligning themselves to anything spiritual, but we all carry around a precious gift. For acknowledged Christians, it is the Holy Spirit — the very essence, mind set, and attributes of our Creator. From one gift to another, how important is the unwrapping to you?
 
In a time when waiting is overrated and having sex is treated more like a hobby than a covenant between life-long partners, ponder the following:
1)What are you offering?
2)Are you offering too much too fast?
3)Are you offering something that is far more valuable than you realize for the sake of satisfying a sexual cycle, a hormonal urge or a hungry ego?
4)Are you offering what seems to be the easiest part of you in order to avoid dealing with what matters more or most in your relationships?

Sex is Like Fire…by Danielle April 26, 2010

First of all we need to understand that God made sex. It is a beautiful gift that He made and has given to married, heterosexual couples. It is to be used for pleasure, comfort, relaxation, expression of love, procreation, and enjoyment. So Kelven (from the I would tell her to grow up post)  is right that it feels good, it was designed to. And he is right that there is more involved than  just 2 bodies uniting. There are huge spiritual and emotional dimensions of sex too. The 2 parties involved do become one – physically, emotionally, spiritually. But we weren’t designed to become one with more than one person. We are to be one with our spouse- for a lifetime.

The idea of becoming one with more than one person doesn’t really even make sense. Our culture has abused and perverted the union and freedom that God intended. It’s like when you stick 2 pieces of tape together, when u try to unstick them there is damage done, and there are remnants of the one piece of tape left on the other. We weren’t designed to endure that damage, that separation. But in our culture we see this damage done all the time when people have many sexual partners.

Sex is like fire- beautiful in the proper context, but dangerous anywhere else. Fire is beautiful in a fireplace, it provides light and heat for a home, but when fire is let loose, it just engulfs and destroys. The same is true of sex. It is right and good in the marriage bed, but not anywhere else.

And another beauty of sex in marriage is that you get a lifetime to perfect your craft, in a sense. You get to be the student of one person, and learn what pleases them. I’d probably say that the people who are having the best sex are those that have been together, monogamous, for 20+ years. Kelven talks about how sex feels good, just imagine if he had a wife who had learned him over time- wow. The Bible is very clear that the wife’s body belongs to her husband, and vice versa. So there is supposed to be selflessness in sex. So not only would a 20 yr spouse know what things liked, but, if they are mature, they will please their spouse with joy, rather than approaching the be with the “let me get mine attitude”.
So as good and amazing as he thinks it is now, he’s really only getting breadcrumbs, when we are called to partake in a feast!

What Happened to “Hello?” by Savannah March 26, 2010

 This week I’m changing the subject a bit to let my frustration out about how some men approach women in order to express an interest in them or to just pay a simple compliment.  I know catcalling and pickup lines have been around for ages and “thugism” is on a perpetual rise, but I fear I’ll never be able say, “you had me at hello,” since apparently some guys aren’t saying it.  Instead, I’m saying “you lost me with ‘sup lil’ mama.” Last week, I stopped at a convenience store and a guy, probably in his early 20s, stared for a minute and then yelled “hey baby” as I walked past him cringing.   I’ve discovered that’s actually a standard greeting, in addition to: “hey shawty,” “hey sexy mama,” “hey light skin,” “where yo’ man at?” “where you stay at?”  “Can I follow you home?” “Can I get an application?” And the list goes on and on.  Why say this crap when a simple, “hello, my name is…” would suffice and be much appreciated.
 
It’s not just the young guys who think this is okay.  A few years ago I was at a Valentines party having a conversation off to the side with a friend and a guy in his mid-to-upper 30s walked up to me and told me to “make it clap.”  Thankfully I forgot my hip hop slang dictionary so I had no idea what he was talking about at the time (I’m getting better—I know what that means now).  Since I was oblivious as to what he was talking about, I began clapping my hands. He then said, “stop frontin’ and drop it like it’s hot.”
 
By far the worst poor excuse for a compliment I ever received was when I was in college (praise God I haven’t had any since!).  A guy walked up to me and said, “hey shawty, I have to say you’re the finest ho on this campus.”   Needless to say, I was appalled, disgusted and offended, to say the least.  This guy actually thought it was okay to call a woman a ho as long as he makes sure to let her know that she was the finest one.  What’s even worse, some women would agree with that guy.
 
Sure, you could blame music, movies, television, etc. for the increased acceptability of women being called derogatory names and disrespected, but it also starts at the individual level.  That’s why it is so important for ladies to know when they are being disrespected and uphold high standards regarding how they allow others to speak to them and treat them.  It’s also important that they share with the young men in their lives (brothers, sons, cousins, nephews, etc) how to approach a woman the right way.   Men should know that if they want to get a woman with “hello,” then they should just say it.

“If I meet a virgin, I want to tell her to grow up” by Dr. G March 16, 2010

What tha??? I actually heard someone say this. I was a guest on a certain radio/ internet show in the last 6 months and one of the co-hosts before I came on said “Well if I meet a girl and she tells me she is a virgin, I would tell her to grow up” I thought “REALLY? And on what are you basing this?” When I was brought onto the show, I was introduced as a woman who was a virgin and the first thing that came out of the hosts mouths was “WHY?” Mr. “I would tell her to grow up” had nothing to say other than “Why”. Well you all know why I am a virgin if you read my bio, so no need to re-state it. But the funny thing is I’m sure there are many who share the sentiments of the host.

Why does virginity = immaturity? What I wanted to say to the host (but they got directly into asking me questions, so I couldn’t) was “Well, if you feel that way, obviously a woman who has saved her most precious gift, will certainly not be giving it to you and you should grow up, because what a shame it is that you don’t recognize the beauty in this”  Yes, I am well aware that there is a sense of innocence that virgins possess but people should never mistaken virginity for weakness. During the show I was also asked what I did with sexual feelings or if I just suppressed them. My statement was something like this “Of course I have desires from time to time, but I know my threshold and want to stay as far away from it as I can, so I have CHOSEN not to engage in any sexual behavior. Have I been tempted –Yes- but again, I know myself and know who I am in Christ and stay away from doing certain things.”  As the show went on,  one of the co hosts  seemed more understanding and said it was commendable. Two others called in who were virgins and I know the hosts were like “What is going on?-Invasion of the Virgins! None of us came across judgmental; we only spoke to our situations. By the way, one of the other guests was a male! And both were believers.

As followers of Christ, we should be ministering in different ways and this is absolutely one. When people think of virgins, a certain type of person pops into their mind as Savannah mentioned in her post. I am proud to let people know that I am a virgin, as it may inspire or encourage someone and it lets other virgins know that they are not alone. For anyone reading this who is a virgin, there is no reason to be ashamed-it is GREAT to WAIT. People are quick to freely talk about sexual escapades; well we are freely talking about our NON-sexual escapades and working it while we do it!…. or shall I say DON’T do it!

There’s Something Special About You…by Trae February 18, 2010

“Wow…”

“Really…for real?”

“Man…I knew there was something special about you.”

Not that I have the “talk” on every date, but whenever I have mentioned to a guy that I’m a virgin, the responses above are the standard fare.  I don’t go for shock value when I reveal this, but it is something that has to be discussed so he doesn’t have unrealistic expectations.  But, when he says, “Man…I knew there was something special about you,” is he blowing smoke?  I could say yes since I’m not in a relationship with any of those men, but what they say is quite true. There IS something special about me; God tells me so.

Psalms 139:13-15 tells us that God created our “innermost beings” and that He knit us in our mothers’ wombs.  That’s pretty deep.  God cared so much about us, that He took the utmost care in fashioning us the way He saw fit.  We’re not some Barbie doll, Cabbage Patch, Bratz doll chicas made from the exact same mold.  Our ultimate Daddy wanted each of us to be special. He even gave us this special gift that only one person should open.  What other creature on the face of this earth can you name that’s more special than that?

I was recently asked if I thought I held onto my virginity because I have such high self-esteem and could get by without giving it up.  It was interesting question since I’ve definitely had my moments of self-doubt.  But whenever I start to doubt myself, I remember that God made me in his own image.  He made you, and you, and you over there in his image as well.  For Someone to think that highly of you and me, well…that’s just FABULOUS.  And the whole virgin thing, that’s just icing on the cake.  God made sure that He gave us something that only we can give to the mate He’s chosen for us.  Our gifts are one of a kind, and they can only be given once.  So…the next time some dude tries that tired line of, “Baby, when God made you, He broke the mold,” turn around and AGREE! 

 Grace and Mercy

Greetings readers! by Savannah February 12, 2010

 Greetings readers! Now that you’ve seen the title of the blog site and read the bios, hopefully the shock of seeing adult women waiting until marriage to have sex has worn off.  If you weren’t shocked, then that’s great!  However, you should know that you are in the minority in terms of your response.  Most people don’t believe that there are women saving themselves until they are married.  I honestly can’t blame them for thinking that way.  Married or not, the vast majority of adults are having relations.  When people think of others choosing to practice abstinence, they think of teenagers, and even that may seem like an obsolete notion to some.

 I have heard that some people find it hard to believe that adult virgins exist, unless the virgins are largely unattractive, socially inept, immature or just plain crazy.  If we haven’t already, then we, the bloggers, aim to show that we are none of the above.  All of us have chosen to wait because we are committed to living the Christian lifestyle. 

 Are we perfect? Absolutely not.  We are imperfect people trying to follow the Perfect Example (Jesus Christ).  We are not without sin, so there will be no stone throwing in our blogging.  If anything, we want to enlighten, encourage and empower others by sharing our thoughts and stories.

 Although virginity is the theme, it won’t be the only topic discussed.  It’s just one aspect of who we are, and to be honest, it’s not something I’ve shared about myself until these last few years.  It wasn’t because I was ashamed—I just didn’t have a reason to and when I talk about myself, I don’t think about that. 

 The first time I shared that I was a virgin was when I was speaking to a group of teen girls at a women’s church conference.  I was about 25 years old and some of the girls knew me, or at least they thought they did.  I spoke about various topics and when I got to the subject of abstinence I’m sure they thought, “another adult preaching to us about what we shouldn’t do when they’re doing it.”  Telling them I was a virgin definitely got their attention.  By the looks they were giving me, I must have started levitating off the ground and growing antennas.  I’m glad I appeared as an alien to them at that moment though.  It helped drive home the point that as Christians, we are in the world, but not of the world.  That’s what this blog is all about.

 Enjoy.